The Cluster Bombs are for Your Kids. Love, America

Rumors are swirling that God™ might be planning to release Jesus2.0 soon. Corporate Jesus will neither confirm or deny any such rumors as anything other than pure unadulterated speculation. But it is rumored Jesus2.0 has a number of new and exciting features and upgrades, among them:

Jesus2.0 now wants those in power to have more power

Jesus2.0 believes markets should be free to regulate themselves

Jesus2.0 now has the ability to fly

Jesus2.0 has a skeleton made of pure Titanium and can slow time like that dude in the Matrix if people are shooting at Him

Jesus2.0 has come for vengeance, no more of that forgiveness crap

Jesus2.0 now helps the rich to get richer

Jesus2.0 is now a badass ultimate fighter type just like Rambo only he can jump way higher

Jesus2.0 says its your own fault if you are sick

Jesus2.0 condones war, torture and misinformation

Jesus2.0 does not associate with the poor

Jesus2.0 has all of the same abilities as a Ninja and He can turn invisible

Jesus2.0 can turn sugar into Prozac, Viagra, or Oxycotin

Jesus2.0 has a sick cross-over dribble and can consistently hit the 3, even with a man in his face

Jesus2.0 is still white and heterosexual, though no longer Jewish

Jesus2.0 loves his enemies as long as they are dead and suffering for all eternity

Jesus2.0 heals only those that can afford His services

Jesus2.0 will slap your other cheek too

Other rumored release notes concerning Rapture and Jesus2.0: Current specs call for Jesus2.0 to fly down from the sky, so George can float up in the sky bodily to meet Him. Then Jesus2.0 is going to kill everyone who doesn't agree with George. Jesus2.0's nova daddy is going to put everyone who ever wasn't "with" George into a fiery pit where they shall suffer for all eternity after they are dead. Then George can mock them and laugh. Then there will be peace for 10,000 years and George will never die. This may or may not happen really soon, it all depends on whether George allows the appropriate number of children to be bombed. Jesus2.0 is hoping the outrage of the middle east will continue to gather until a wider war is triggered. All we need is another Pearl Harbor, so we can rally the people and send their children to die on the plains of Megiddo. Jesus2.0 really wants to come back but can't until all the prophecies, as understood by George, are true. George must continue to tell lies in order for Jesus2.0 to return. George is actually more important than Jesus2.0 in current spec. Further R&D may be required.

Corporate Jesus neither confirms or denies any of the above rumors.

Please conduct all business as usual.

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