Making the World Safe for Prosperity

Corporate Jesus supports the right of Israel to protect itself with American armaments. The continued silent compliance and disinterest of the American public is greatly appreciated. Kissing the boot on your neck is what we expect from those un-Christian Socialist non-English speaking brown-skinned heathens. Once they know their place there can be peace. Besides, Lebanon is really, really far away, and those people are strange and un-American.

A patriot would go shopping for Corporate goods today. You could even do it in air conditioned comfort at your local mall. What further proof would you need that Corporate Jesus alleviates the suffering of those who serve him?

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If You Lived in Heaven, You'd Be Dead By Now

With all the news around the globe happening at such a blistering pace lately, Corporate Jesus would like to assure those of you who are too busy to pay attention that all is well. We continue to kick copious amounts of ass around the world because we are good and God™ is on our side. All you have to do is spend your money on Corporate goods, like the Bible advises (Matthew 22:21), and wait for the Rapture.

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The Love of Regulation is the Root of All Evil

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The Invisible Hand That Waves the Flag

Today is July 4th, Independence Day. Many of you may not know the history that lead up to the founding of our great nation, and I won't burden you with the specifics because, let's face it, in the marketplace of ideas, history is only slightly less boring than mathematics or science. We, as American citizens and Corporations, have the right to individual freedom, and that includes freedom from monotony. Real freedom is never having to read the Bill of Rights, what a snoozer!

Our forefathers founded this great nation so that Corporations could be free...free from unrepresented taxation...free from unnecessary regulation...free to conquer sovereign nations in order to eliminate import tariffs...free from labor standards that cut into executive bonuses...free to own 39% of the media in any given market...free to buy politicians and write our own legistlation...free to let the markets self-regulate. We hold these truths to be self-evident.

Its been a long hard fight and things haven't always gone our way, but today things could hardly be better for Corporations in America.

So when you look down and see that MADE IN CHINA sticker on the flag you're waving at today's parade, remember all those who gave the ultimate sacrifice for our freedoms and know in your heart they are looking down at you from Heaven with a joyful tear in their eye.

They may be in Heaven, but they're still Americans.

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