Special Guest Blogger : We Must Not Stop the War
Corporate Jesus is on an intergalactic cruise looking for another planet full of relatively intelligent, but extremely greedy and intellectually lazy and dishonest lifeforms to spread his message of never ending riches and Corporate salvation to.
Brother Felps is sitting in.
People are always asking me "how many more soldiers must die for no reason in Iraq" lately and it gets me so riled up I wonder how I stop myself from slapping those yellow bellied 6th grade cowards in the evangelical christian church youth group I pastor upside the head in honor of my hero the great George S. "upside your head" Patton. Often I can feel the righteous indignation rising up from the depths of my loins, especially when I question the boys as they sit on my lap during Secret Holy tutoring time. I tell them we are all soldiers in the war of good against evil and whether or not they actually get to kill an Iraqi, or an Afghani, or an Iranian, or a Pakistani, or a Venezuelan, or a Guatemalan, or a Syrian, or a Korean, or a Peruvian, or a Mexican, or a Saudi, or a Canadian, or a homosexual, or a socialist, or a muslim, or even a snotty cheese sniffing Frenchman their silent obedience is valued too. I tell them all they have to do is watch cable TV and go shopping and they still get to have the blood of Iraqi children on their hands. I tell them they need to think about how people who are different from white christian males are all potential enemies of Jesus. I tell them how people that ask too many questions are in league with the Devil. If we all hate the right people with enough hate for a sustained and intent enough time then good will prevail. You do know the Secret don't you?
Although I've never been a soldier I often have fantasies about them and their righteous sin destroying violence. Their sweaty shirtless bloodlust, their bulging manly muscles, and that wide stance to support the sheer weight and enormity of their massive gun. I know that their heroic deaths are for a purpose. It's so the children can keep watching TV. It's so that the homosexual urges lose. It's so the chosen and God blessed rich have extra large crumbs for the rest of us to lick off their boots. It's so that you don't have to think about it. It's so you can keep believing in your goodness. It's so that there will be no accountability for those in charge of putting those soldiers where they are. It's so Kentucky can build creationist museums. It's so that we all can be a part of building the new Corporate Republic. It's so those absentee ballots won't ever get counted. It's so Congressmen and Senators can have sex with prostitutes and go on golfing trips paid for by Corporations. It's so George never has to say he was wrong. No those deaths certainly mean something. And every single one from now on means the exact same thing.
Because we are a good country everything we do is also good. Do you hear me brothers. All we do is good because God is on our side. Torturing innocent people? Lord you said it is good. Bombing foreign civilians? Lord you said it is good. Destroying the atmosphere? Yes Lord. Stealing from the poor to give to the rich. Amen Lord. Fixing the vote? With your help Lord. Selling off public lands? Thank You Lord may we have another. We do it all and more, and He rewards us with riches in this life and eternal life in the next. Even now brother Falwell is gathered up in heaven with the Lord, just waiting until the End of Days which he will blame on the homosexuals.
And the Lord blesses all of us.
Please continue to conduct all business as usual.
*Riches currently only for Corporations