Proof That Corporations Care

Freedom is changing. We must keep it up with the times. In order to spread freedom around the world more effectively, those in power will be making a couple of changes. We don't want Iran to go like Iraq, even though the money just keeps rolling in. Soon we will be replacing "freedom of speech" with the "freedom to agree", and the "freedom to pursue happiness" will now be the "freedom to purchase happiness". You now also have the "freedom to want", the "freedom to be afraid", and the "freedom to be white". A couple of other redefinitions: Islam is now Fascism. Christianity is now Science. Indifference is Caring. Ignorance is Wisdom. Failure is Success. Rasicm is Patriotism. Science is Superstition. Fascism is Democracy. Freedom is Obedience. We know we can count on your silent compliance America, and don't worry we'll reward you and your children with what you deserve.

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August Limited Time Special Offer

Wanted: Strongman/Dictator/Ruler. Must speak Arabic or Farsi. Torture, murder, rape OK. Must be friendly to multi-national corporations and able to follow directions, especially directions from the CIA. Ability to silence dissent and purge all competitors a plus. Special bonus if last name isn't Hussein. Must be willing to relocate. No Socialists or Muslims Please.

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Ask Not What the Corporate Cleptocracy Can Do For You

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The Cluster Bombs are for Your Kids. Love, America

Rumors are swirling that God™ might be planning to release Jesus2.0 soon. Corporate Jesus will neither confirm or deny any such rumors as anything other than pure unadulterated speculation. But it is rumored Jesus2.0 has a number of new and exciting features and upgrades, among them:

Jesus2.0 now wants those in power to have more power

Jesus2.0 believes markets should be free to regulate themselves

Jesus2.0 now has the ability to fly

Jesus2.0 has a skeleton made of pure Titanium and can slow time like that dude in the Matrix if people are shooting at Him

Jesus2.0 has come for vengeance, no more of that forgiveness crap

Jesus2.0 now helps the rich to get richer

Jesus2.0 is now a badass ultimate fighter type just like Rambo only he can jump way higher

Jesus2.0 says its your own fault if you are sick

Jesus2.0 condones war, torture and misinformation

Jesus2.0 does not associate with the poor

Jesus2.0 has all of the same abilities as a Ninja and He can turn invisible

Jesus2.0 can turn sugar into Prozac, Viagra, or Oxycotin

Jesus2.0 has a sick cross-over dribble and can consistently hit the 3, even with a man in his face

Jesus2.0 is still white and heterosexual, though no longer Jewish

Jesus2.0 loves his enemies as long as they are dead and suffering for all eternity

Jesus2.0 heals only those that can afford His services

Jesus2.0 will slap your other cheek too

Other rumored release notes concerning Rapture and Jesus2.0: Current specs call for Jesus2.0 to fly down from the sky, so George can float up in the sky bodily to meet Him. Then Jesus2.0 is going to kill everyone who doesn't agree with George. Jesus2.0's nova daddy is going to put everyone who ever wasn't "with" George into a fiery pit where they shall suffer for all eternity after they are dead. Then George can mock them and laugh. Then there will be peace for 10,000 years and George will never die. This may or may not happen really soon, it all depends on whether George allows the appropriate number of children to be bombed. Jesus2.0 is hoping the outrage of the middle east will continue to gather until a wider war is triggered. All we need is another Pearl Harbor, so we can rally the people and send their children to die on the plains of Megiddo. Jesus2.0 really wants to come back but can't until all the prophecies, as understood by George, are true. George must continue to tell lies in order for Jesus2.0 to return. George is actually more important than Jesus2.0 in current spec. Further R&D may be required.

Corporate Jesus neither confirms or denies any of the above rumors.

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Special Guest Blogger: We Must Not Stop the Bombing.

I'd like to thank Corporate Jesus for the opportunity to write my first blog, and although it took a recent public relations setback to pull Him away, I know He'll be coming back again soon.

It has long been among my many earthly ambitions to be able to get the truth out over these amazing and modern internet tubes, and I plan to use them to spread truth, straight from the Lord's mouth to my ears, right up into your tube as often as possible.

Today I'd like to let all of you inter-netters know that the Lord has been making my spirit move like an F16 flying over a rural Vietnamese village spewing its hot napalm seed everywhere. Amen Lord, I'm filled with your holy spirit today!! Just last night the Lord was telling me that Lezbollah must be completely destroyed before there can be a real sustainable peace where there are no more homosexual urges. You see friends the Lesbians are insidious. They have set up Lezbollah to recruit more and more Lesbians and Lezbolians, and from their neighborhoods in Lesbonon they've been corrupting our children through the public school system, science, equal rights, labor unions, public radio, and even these very internet tubes. They will not rest until there are Lesbians everywhere. So the bombs must continue to drop. Don't worry though, God™ is on our side and I'll promise to do whatever I can to protect the sanctity of the tubes of my fellow inter-netters.

Additionally, for those of you that are concerned, the Lord has spoken to my heart, and He assures me there are no stem cells in Lesbonon.

A Special Message from Corporate Jesus:

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