Corporate Jesus has been proclaiming His existence online for more than a year now, but the actual reason for His coming has never been fully explained. Like His brother, Corporate Jesus offers salvation and eternal life in a magic sky castle to those that seek Him, only Corporate Jesus was sent by His Father to save Corporations, not individual persons.
Corporations have long been recognized as persons, since as far back as the 16th century according to some, but it wasn't until Santa Clara County v. Southern Pacific Railroad (1886) that they had an actual precedent to cite and gain rights under the U.S. Constitution, in the United States of America, God's preferred country. Shortly after, in 1893, in another court case, Noble v. Union River Logging Railroad Company, the Union River Logging Railroad Company asserted equal protection under the Bill of Rights due to it's personhood. From there it took awhile, but eventually Corporations gained the right to jury trials, the right to demand search warrants (which, funny enough, no longer applies to individual citizens if they are designated as enemies of the state), and even more. Equal protection under the law.
Corporations are persons, and attempts by some to deny this Constitutional legal reality is akin to those that counted slaves as 3/8th of a person, or those who believed that the American Indians or Aboriginals had no souls. You see, Corporations have souls, and that makes them accountable for their sins. Cats, dogs, hamsters, cows, horses, lions, sharks, they cannot be held accountable for sin because they have no souls. There is no Shark Jesus to forgive sharks and grant them salvation. It's not how God works. He likes to be mysterious, like why He gave people sex organs when it makes Him really upset when people use them, or why Evangelical mega church pastors like crystal meth and gay sex. It's all a mystery, not for us to understand. But I digress, Corporations are actually multiple souls. While the shareholder recieves dividends in the form of money, the Corporation claims a share of the recipient's soul as its own. So Corporations have both personhood and souls, and that's where Corporate Jesus comes in.
Now everybody knows God gets mad about sin, as all you good evangelical Christians know, it makes Heaven stink when there's a bunch of unresolved and unforgiven sin just kind of fermenting and oozing and piling up down on Earth. It wafts up to Heaven and then God can get moody cause He's got sensitive nostrils. He did like a flood thing one time, but it didn't really fix anything long term. He also sent one of His other kids down to Earth to offer salvation to persons, but most of that guy's original teachings have been forgotten. A lot of Americans seem to think that their magic sky friend wants them to be rich, win American Idol, or throw the winning touchdown pass, and they're right. God loves winners and that's why winners are all blessed, losers, well somebody needs to dig ditches too. It wouldn't be Heaven if they let everybody in after all. God wanted the same blessings and salvation for Corporations, but that stench...Where was it coming from?
So, God sent a bipartisan commission down to Earth to check into the stench, and lo, and behold it turned out the stink of unresolved sin was coming from the sins of Corporations. Massive poisinings of foreign populations by chemical companies, wanton environmental destruction, war-mongering for profit, exploiting the poor, bribery, theft, collusion, false witnessing, coveting the neighbors wife, not honoring fathers and mothers, worshipping false idols, murder, taking the name of the Lord in vain, and even coveting thy neighbor's goat. So God, in His infinite wisdom and mercy, sent His only begotten Son, that had a Harvard M.B.A., down to Earth to spread His message of salvation and riches for Corporations.
End of Part 1
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