Corporate Jesus: October 2006

Take the SAT

Yes or No answers only!!

1. Are you independently wealthy or does your family have money?
2. Are you white or do you look white?
3. Do people think you're heterosexual?
4. Do you act like you adhere to the tenets of the christian religion?
5. Do you believe laws only apply to the poor and lower classes?
6. Are you able to say one thing but then do exactly the opposite?
7. Will you do anything for money?
8. Are you good at deflecting questions about your integrity?
9. Do you believe in exploiting the poor for the gain of the few at the top?
10. Do you like golf?
11. Do you believe in slavery in foreign lands designated as protectorates?
12. Do you believe in forced prostitution in foreign lands designated as protectorates?
13. Do you believe in forced abortion in foreign lands designated as protectorates?
14. Do you believe riches should go to Corporations that donate to your campaign?
15. Are you adept at creating legistlative loopholes?
16. Do you believe Corporations have the right to pollute the land and air, and poison the populace?
17. Do you believe in torture?
18. Do you believe lying to the Public is in their best interest?
19. Will you send other people's children to die in order to protect the property of the ruling class?
20. Do you believe the interests of Corporations are more important than the interests of the public?

Republicans: If you answered "No" to any of these questions you failed.

Democrats: If you answered "No" to any of these questions (except Question #2) you failed.

Please continue to conduct all business as usual.

The Bob outrage continues here!!

Get Riches* Here!!

Get Corporate Forgiveness Here!!

Get Individual Forgiveness Here!!

Corporate Jesus T-Shirt and Mini Button!!

*Riches currently only for Corporations

Friends of Adolph H.

George grant me the sovereignty to accept Corporate money, the courage to send other people's children to die, and the wisdom to know which offshore bank to deposit my cut into. The Senatorial Prayer - anon.

Please continue to conduct all business as usual.

The Bob outrage continues here!!

Get Riches* Here!!

Get Corporate Forgiveness Here!!

Get Individual Forgiveness Here!!

Corporate Jesus T-Shirt and Mini Button!!

*Riches currently only for Corporations

The Karl Rove Joke Book

Rumored excerpts from the upcoming "Karl Rove Joke Book"

Corporate Jesus can neither confirm nor deny the existence or publishing date of said work.

Q: What's brown and black and looks good on a whistleblower?
A: A doberman.

Q: What do evangelical chiristians that aren't hypocrites and UFO's have in common?
A: You always hear about them but never see them.

Q: Do you know why the evangelical christian got fired from the M&M's factory?
A: He kept sending his kids and the poor to die for the W's.

Q: What do evangelical christians and beer bottles have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: How many evangelical christians does it take to wallpaper a room?
A: Just two if they're sliced thin enough.

Q: What do you call 5000 evangelical christians at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.

Q: How can you tell when an investigative reporter is well hung?
A: When you can just fit your finger in between the noose and his neck.

Q: Why don't cannibals eat televangelists?
A: Because they taste like they're full of shit too.

Q: How do you keep your boss from reading your emails?
A: Put them in a folder marked Reality.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed Congressman?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: How many evangelical christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100, 99 to pray, 1 to take their money and hire an illegal immigrant to do it on the cheap while keeping the money and taking the credit for talking to Jesus.

Q: What's the best way to force Rush Limbaugh to do sit-ups?
A: Put the remote control, the oxycotin, the viagra, and a Dominican prostitute between his toes.

Q: What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent Bill O'Reilly fan?
A: Big Foot's been spotted a few times.

Q: Why do only 1% of evangelical christians get into Heaven?
A: Because if they all went it would be Hell.

Q: What's the difference between Jack Abramoff and a vampire?
A: Vampires only suck blood at night.

Q: How can you tell when Condoleeza Rice is lying?
A: Her lips are moving.

Q: Why don't parasites attack televangelists?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do you have when an evangelical christian is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: How do you save thirty drowning Congressional Republicans?
A: Tell lies to the voting public through the main stream media and start a war.

Q: How do you stop the head of the Family Research Council from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head.

Q: What's the difference between a bucket of shit and Pat Robertson?
A: The bucket.

Q: What should you do if you run over Ralph Reed?
A: Back over him to make sure.

Q: What's the difference between a catfish and Dick Cheney?
A: One's a slimy scum sucking scavenger, the other is a fish.

Q: Why are Republicans so good in bed?
A: Practice...we've been screwing all of you for years.

I have the body of a God ... Buddha!

Rove Out