Corporate Jesus: March 2007

Iran's Pearl Harbor

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Corporate Jesus' Recipe for Success in Iraq

It's been four years since we, the mighty redeemers of free market capitalism and torture, decided to invade Iraq on intelligence that all informed people (including Senators) knew was false. There seems to be a temporary stirring among the otherwise willfully ignorant chattle (that means you) about recipes for success and finishing the job, etc. Truth is we all know that all this complaining is going to stop as soon as American Idol gets down to it's final four, even so I thought I'd just put my ideas out there. Of course we've got our permanent bases set up, oil stealing, er sharing, agreements are being pushed through the puppet government we set up, and fortunes upon fortunes have been made by individuals who will fund our political activities in this country for decades to come. I'd call that a great success. Nevertheless, here is my recipe for success in Iraq.

1. Rush oil sharing agreements through Iraqi parliment, promise the local pols anything, and I mean anything, they want. The most important thing is to get the agreement signed. The legitimacy of the contract will play well with the US pop. Items agreed upon to get the oil sharing agreements passed will not be honored, but it doesn't matter because the Iraqi government is only being held in place by our armed forces and will fail within a specified timeframe after we remove support.

2. In order to buffer Iran and please the Saudis, the intel community is already grooming a moderately religious, mostly secular Sunni to be the next leader in Iraq. After the Iraqi government falls there will be little doubt among US pop that Iraq is in a civil war. A strong leader will have to emerge. He will have to unite the Sunnis and get the Shiites and Kurds back in line. This means he'll have to use force and that creates an opportunity to send a message to Iran too. We will supply him with any weapons and funds he needs to get the job done and equip his military, just not openly. He may have to massacre a couple villages full of Shiites, gas a town full of Kurds, throw people in prison without trial, and torture innocents, but he'll have license to because he needs to bring stability. (Note to self: See if GHWB and Rummy can handle again)

3. With the country firmly under the control of a single leader, the highest priority will be to get the oil pumped and out of there. Agreements are already in draft form regarding our permanent bases and the oil pipeline (sovereign US property), loans from World Bank for Iraqi infrastructure (paid for by the Iraqi's share of the oil sharing agreements), high paying figurehead jobs and slush funds for the leader's family and friends, and personal security for the leader and his family provided by private contractors (our intel operatives). If the leader tries to socialize the oil fields or trade oil for Euros, we take out him and his family. Secondary leaders are also already recruited. We only need ten or so years of relative stability to pump all the oil out of the country, after which the country becomes irrelevant except as a base of operations to invade Iran and Saudi Arabia for their oil.

Success is ours.