Corporate Jesus: Some Letters From the Faithful

From time to time Corporate Jesus gets letters asking for advice. Corporate Jesus believes it's truly a blessing to be able to help these truth seeking individuals, and Corporate Jesus thought more people should be allowed to benefit from his wisdom. Here are some letters from the last month.

Dear Blessed One,
I have a friend that says freedoms once earned with blood, but given away freely must be re-earned with blood. Won't we get our freedoms back by watching cable television and shopping for consumer goods? - Big on TV, Chicago

Dear BOTV,
Yes. Your friend is just an elitist crybaby. What's more is you won't even have to go on a diet. If you put out enough positive energy the universe will return your freedoms to you just like that!! Have you seen the new iPhone? So cool.

Dear Corporate Jesus,
I'm worried about the future of my country. It seems like there is no stopping the greed of Corporations and the corruption of the entire government. Can the Corporations be stopped and if not what can be done? - Thomas P., Virginia

Dear TP,
This is a two part question so I'll take each part separately. Can the Corporations be stopped? The short answer is no, and that plays right into the other part of the question, what can be done? There is actually a lot that can be done, but any significant change is going to require more than one individual (unless he has an nuclear suicide belt, in which case the change would be the police state operating out in the open) and that would require people turning off their televisions (which we all know isn't ever going to happen), but to humor your inquiry here's some things you could try:
1. Form your own Corporation and buy your local politicians.
2. Move overseas before travel is suspended.
3. Buy a firearm and shoot yourself in the head. (Legal Disclaimer: Corporate Jesus does not condone suicide, or any other form of spirituality beside consumerism)

Dear Saviour,
This country is great and I hate it when pinko commies try to bring me down with their crazy hippy ideas. Those people can all go f*ck themselves. People don't get it. They can't be safe if they don't give up their so called freedoms. I mean this is a post-9/11 world. We can't trust the votes of the people to keep us safe from evil. Think of the children. It's like my buddy Joe says, we must trust the chosen leader. Bless you Corporate Jesus. - Bunker of the Mind, Undisclosed Location

Dear BOTM,
You've got that right. As long as everyone keeps doing what they're doing we're all going to make a lot of money. Well, we'll make all the money. People want to talk about freedom and justice, but c'mon they do realize this country was founded on genocide and slavery right? They realize we're the only country to use a nuke on a civilian population right? They realize we're the country that has the largest percentage of it's own population behind bars right? They realize we're the only Western industrialized nation without universal healthcare right? They realize their vote is a farce and that the leaders are chosen by moneyed interests right? They realize the three foundations of America are racism, materialism, and militarism right? Don't let those fools bring you down, BOTM. Remember they're all slaves to the debtor Corporations and your children will own their children.

Dear Corporal Jesus,
Lately my popularity has been fading, do you still think I'll be able to declare myself President for life? - Bikes Are Rad, East Coast

Dear BAR,
Don't worry the Supreme Court's got your back and most of the populace is too overweight and stupid to notice, but if it doesn't happen it could be because the energy you seem to be putting out to the universe right now isn't totally positive. Don't stop believing.